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Writer's pictureAlex H

fuck "tough love"

Maybe tough love has a place for some people, but I detest it. I can't think of a single time it has ever actually helped me. I don't think it helps anyone in any meaningful way, and I think it's time to put it to bed. I feel like this should go without saying, but if someone's behaviour is hurting you, you should obviously say something. I'm not referring here to confronting someone in your life who's causing you harm, or being firm with your boundaries and things of that nature, I'm talking specifically about using 'tough love' on someone who opens up about having a hard time. I'm talking about a toxic mindset that alienates people who need connection the most.


Now that that little disclaimer is out of the way (and I hate that I feel like I have to even add one), I think what's needed far more desperately than tough love is compassion, acceptance, empathy, and gentle support. When I fuck up, when I have a set back, when I'm having a hard time, what has always helped me the most is being reminded that I am still loved, and that there will always be a chance to try again. Too often, I feel like tough love is used as an excuse to lay the burden of interaction completely on the shoulders of people suffering. It feels much more like trying to shut people up than trying to help them, and that's my biggest problem with it. Don't insist people open up if you're not ready to hear painful or difficult truths about the things they hold inside for your comfort, and don't insist they stuff it all back in just because you changed your mind.




I've had this happen to me countless times before. People who I see always tweeting out hotline numbers and encouraging people to be open and reach out have been the first people to hit me with things like, "you just need to learn how to forgive" and "you should be thankful for everything you have" or possibly the worst yet, "just get over it and move on." Shutting people down in this way, acting as if mental illnesses can be cured with the right amount of resilience is so, so harmful. It's not true, and it can make things so much worse sometimes.


So, what do we do instead? For starters, stop thinking mental illnesses can be cured, especially by things like toughness or resilience. But seriously, I do have some advice.


  • Find resources. If someone comes to you with something you find you can't handle, it's great to have resources on hand that you can pass along with a simple, "I'm not sure I can help you, but have you checked out *insert website, podcast, local organization*?"

  • Ask how you can help. Personally, the most helpful thing anyone has ever said to me during a vent session has been "what can I do to help?" It's game changing, because from one day to the next, it's never exactly the same. Sometimes I need advice, sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on, sometime I need a distraction. Feeling like someone else is invested in me feeling better makes me more invested in working to feel better instead of falling into old habits. Seriously, just ask!

  • Tap out if you need to, and set a time where you can finish the conversation. If you are truly and completely overwhelmed by what someone is sharing with you, tap out of the conversation gently, and make sure to set up a time or day to resume. For example, "I don't think I can handle this conversation right now. I'm going to do some self care, will you be free to talk again in 3 hours?" Make sure to follow up, and check in on whatever the agreed time is. Most people will understand needing to take care of yourself.

This list is far from complete but it's just a couple things to try that not everyone might think of. I've had a lot of mental breakdowns in the last year and how people have helped me through them (or sometimes left me to burn) has given me a wide range of experience when it comes to how people react to the more severe end of the mental illness spectrum.


Above all else, remember one of the golden rules of not being an asshole. If you don't have anything kind or constructive to say, it's okay to just be quiet.



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