some thoughts on bouncing back.

I have been incredibly quiet in this space in the last few months, for an abundance of reasons. At first, it was because I was focussed quite hard on a new project I was working on with my coven. Then it slowly became too overwhelming to write through the stress of the quarantine that began in March, and I'd be lying if I said my mental health didn't take a swift downward spiral the longer I was in lockdown. Basically, writing and sharing felt impossible and it's only now that I feel able to really sit down and let the words flow. All of this, along with the recent surge in police brutality and protests and the rush to return to life as it was back in March has me thinking heavily about what it means to 'go back to normal' or 'bounce back' after something trips you up.

Bouncing implies speed, but in my experience, it's a very slow process. When I first come out of a depressive episode, I can't just dive immediately back into real life. Every time, it's like I have to teach myself how to be a person again. I'll do a few small things to get back to myself, and by extension, back to real life. But what is 'real-life' going to look like now? Because as much as some people might be desperate for it, there is no going back to normal. That world doesn't exist anymore, and it silenced, excluded, killed, and harmed so many people - why would we want that back? What we need to do is build a new normal, which is the same thing you have to do when you're recovering from childhood trauma. You have to build a world of safety where once there was only danger. You have to look for connections where once there was only silence. It's not an easy feat, by any stretch of the imagination. But it is worthwhile work nonetheless.

Small steps, small changes, eventually become big changes and new routines. This applies both to dismantling oppressive systems and trying to find yourself again after a mental breakdown. When you break it all down, building yourself into a new person isn't really all that different from building up a new, safer, more accepting and respectful world. I still believe we are capable of doing both.

Sometimes this means forcing myself to participate in life instead of leaning on the habits that kept me going when I was in survival mode. Breaking these habits and forming healthier ones more conducive to healing has been an immense challenge for me at times. So has been letting go of my ego and white fragility long enough to sit in my own discomfort, open a book, and learn. Nonetheless, we all must keep going. To my fellow white people, unlearning and addressing your own learned behaviours isn't optional work - it's your responsibility, as it is mine. I hear you interjecting, "But, what about my mental illness? I don't have the spoons!" My answer? Then grab a knife. Sometimes self-care means finding what your limitations are and learning how to live your best life within them. This goes for your activism and anti-racism work, too. There are so many aspects to creating change, and taking to the streets is just one of those. You can volunteer with grassroots organizers, sign petitions, join email campaigns to create change locally, educate yourself on the issues and demands of the local organizations that are protesting and demonstrating, donate money to those same organizations if you're able. There are so many ways to support causes, even within the context of disabilities. Not to mention, BIPOC have been doing this work for literally centuries, with no reprieve. That is trauma, and they fight through it because they don't have the same choices a white person does. Another very important thing all white people need to be doing is calling out your relatives and friends for their racist attitudes and behaviour. Confrontation not your thing? You can still say something. Oftentimes saying the wrong thing is still better than staying silent. That's something I'm still learning, too. If they ignore you, you can take that as a sign to walk away from the relationship. Things are changing, and there isn't time to quibble over 'but they're a good friend/family/whatever.' We need to take this on as our problem, because white supremacy is a white people problem. It's not going to go away unless we reject it.

So start small if you have to, so long as you start. Set aside a manageable amount of time today to start making those small changes, start taking those first steps. What our new normal looks like tomorrow depends on the choices we make today.