[T R I G G E R W A R N I N G:]
This post contains graphic descriptions of self harm and potentially triggering content. Remember to practice self care before, during & after reading if you choose to continue. Know your limits, and use your judgement. Continue at your own discretion.
Today I am 100 days self harm free. I really didn't think I would ever see this milestone, let alone feel hopeful that I could maintain beyond it. But here I am. I've gotten close to this point before only to relapse and start back at the beginning. I was really starting to think I was doomed to live the rest of my life in that cycle. I've even had nightmares about relapsing, but I haven't fallen back into old habits or had such a difficult time that I felt I had no other choice, and I'm feeling pretty ecstatic about that. Not only that, but I feel hopeful about the future, and confident that I can keep this momentum up.
I don't know what's different this time - there are a lot of things in my life that have changed in the last 100 days - but I'm proud of myself and grateful that I'm able to write this and honestly say that it has been 100 days since the last time I put a blade to my skin and tried to bleed the bad feelings out, and I really feel like I can keep this streak going, and that's something I want to make note of and celebrate, because it's a terrific feeling. My partner even bought me a cake - one of my favourite kinds to boot - so we could celebrate in a more tangible way.
In the midst of celebrating, I thought it might be helpful to share here some thing I've done when I'm struggling or dealing with urges to help get me through without resorting to hurting myself.
Really Loud, Angry Music This is also something I do to help with panic attacks sometimes. If you can get something with a dominant bass to it and crank it so you can feel it in your chest, I find that really helps me process how I'm feeling because I can lose myself to the physical sensations of the music. I actually have an entire playlist on Spotify dedicated to loud and angry music, you can check it out here.
Breaking Stuff I love breaking shit, I won't lie. It's so incredibly cathartic, especially if whatever triggered made me angry or fearful. It doesn't have to be anything big, I usually grab some cardboard out of the recycling and rip it all apart with my hands. It's easy to clean up and doesn't create any danger like broken glass might, and as a bonus it satisfies my need for destruction without having myself and my body be the thing that gets destroyed.
Drawing On Myself This one is a little more mellow, usually for when I'm in a depressive episode or I'm triggered in a melancholy way. I'll take a pen or a marker and trace doodles on my arms and legs until the urge passes. Sometimes journaling while listening to something calming like a favourite old tv show can help in the same way as well.
Tagging In A Friend If all else fails, or I really don't feel like I can cope, I'll message someone I trust and tell them I'm thinking about hurting myself and they'll help distract me or talk me through how I'm feeling so I can come out on the other side of those feelings intact. I am indescribably grateful that I have people I can turn to in times of crisis like this and I know that isn't everyone's reality, but if you have that support system - use it! You are not a burden, your friends just want you to be okay.
If you're struggling with self harm and relapsing right now, I hope you reach your milestone soon, however many days it might be. I'm proud of you for trying, and I believe in you. I hope my advice here reaches anyone who might need it, and I hope it works for you the way that it's worked for me. If it doesn't, tell me in the comments what helps you the most when you're struggling with something, I'd love to hear from you!
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