Sometimes, we can only live for others. I've been there myself, where I only held on for someone else even though it hurt so much more and all I really wanted to do was let go. It can be life saving, but what happens when those people that you've been living for abandon you? What happens when part of your support system vanishes? Because that's happened to me on multiple different occasions, and the results range from shitty to disastrous.
I feel like support systems are made like spider webs, all these little threads tied together to make a safety net, so you have a soft place to land. And when you lose someone, it feels like that web is unraveling. You're falling into open space now, with no safe place to touch down or break your fall. It leaves me feeling raw, exposed, and abandoned.
I don't even know if I could accurately describe what abandonment feels like for me, particularly when I'm being abandoned by someone I trust, who I've formed a deep enough bond with that they've become an integral part of my support system. But if I were to try, it feels like a cold, deep, emptiness. It hurts worse than any other kind of loss or pain I've ever felt.
Trying to cope with that when part of my support system decides to peace out is damn near impossible. Feeling suicidal and not being able to turn to someone who previously had given you reason to stay alive, a reason to stop you from hurting yourself, is a horrific and dangerous situation I've been in too many times, and it's led me to self-mutilate, isolate myself, and spiral down into a deep ass pit of depression. And I've decided that it just isn't fucking worth it.
I tweeted about this recently and got called irresponsible and selfish by some boomer, and it inspired me to write this post so I could elaborate.
Staying alive for other people is bullshit, and so is the idea that suicide and suicidal thoughts are selfish.
I don't know where this idea came from, but it's time to put it to bed. I won't deny that suicide can and does hurt the people who love you, but I'm indescribably tired of the people left behind being the focus of the conversation. Do you have any idea how hurt and hopeless you have to be to make that decision?
I've had people in my darkest moments beg me not to leave them, to stay alive for them, to not hurt myself because they care about me. And while I appreciate the fact that it helped in the moment, I'm not so grateful that I won't call attention to the problems with this idea of staying alive for other people.
I found myself recently growing resentful of the people I love, even my kids, because it had started to feel like they were keeping me in this horrible storm of suffering when all I wanted to do was get off this endlessly turning carousel. I couldn't keep living for them, because it was killing my relationships with everyone I cared about. I'm still learning how to live for myself, and it's really hard. But I would rather struggle to live for myself, than resent the people I love for being reasons I can't kill myself.
Why is it that we can accept people putting health care directives in place, but when it comes to suicide, people freak out and the first reaction is to heap guilt and shame on the person already suffering? Where is the compassion, the understanding, the empathy? Why does it seem to be so beyond other people's understanding, and how can we fix that? Honestly, it just takes some education. I almost lost my sister to her mental illnesses half a dozen times. Not a single time was it about me. It was about her, her pain, her suffering, her desire for relief. I wasn't equipped to handle that and support her properly at the time, but I've learned so much since then, and I know it's possible to grow from that place of guilt and shame, and move towards a place of warmth and compassion. It just takes a little education. If you love someone with a mental illness, please learn about it. Learn about the symptoms and what they live with, and ask them how you can help them. Look for support groups on Facebook to gain insight on how people live with these illnesses and what they go through, use YouTube to learn about psychology and mental illnesses, the information is at your finger tips. That will go much further to prevent suicide than guilt and shame ever will.
I long for a world where we can openly talk about being suicidal or having suicidal thoughts without being met with panic and shame and guilt, and where we are instead met with warmth and compassion and a real lifeline. It's not on mentally ill people to make this world a reality - it's on the neurotypical people who love us.
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